i am.... a peacon nut pie

awesome face!
i just figured out how to hack into the CONFUSHULATING html and take out the dumb 'home' 'post rss' and 'comment rss' links. yay. now my blog looks cooler.

chack these kiff links out:

i . am . a. banana.

(dont ask. i dont know. all i DO know is i had the sense NOT to post that as my fb profile.)


[....yet]

I think something strange is happening to me.
Ok, perhaps strange isn't really the world. Cos it’s probably natural. Just I always that if it did it would happen later in life. Not now.
I think, I think I’m broody.
I know. It sounds downright dumb, right?
But then again, not so long ago, it would have been perfectly for someone my age to have at least one child already.

I was walking from the Journ department yesterday, and as I was passing one of the resses, I saw this little pokkaninni. Her suitcase almost as big as her. Ag haai…

And I suddenly had this barely controllable urge to just sweep her up in my arms and cover her in adoring kisses – I wanted that little child there to be mine.

The realisation left me breathless, literally. I can’t say that I didn’t know what to make of it, cos I do. Nature is reminding me of my ultimate calling in life (and to hell with any feminists who want to argue that. There’s so much more to being a woman than child rearing, but by downplaying it, we fail to acknowledge the divine purpose God entrusted us. While we are given this great gift [and burden] men are denied the joy motherhood can bring…. Oh I’m talking too much. Again.)

The thing is, it’s hard knowing how to deal with it. Wonder what Mom would say. I know what I would want, understanding. And I know she would. The fact that all she wanted to do was get married and have babies since the dawn of time it a well known joke – and truth – in the family.
Maybe I’m just like this because I am (no, really, I AM) craving human contact. And we all know that a simple hug won’t suffice in this case. I need something to love, to dote on. Even an animal. And I know that that would help sooth me, but I’m denied even that: Griselda is far far away at home.

Craving. It’s a good word.

Really, it’s; like a physical hunger. Think now I understand why people trapped on islands try so hard to escape. The loneliness gets to you, you know.

That’s probably why solitary confinement is such a big thing.
And I’m actually quite a solitary person, so you must know.

I’ve just had the MOST horrific random thought. Oh hell! Some little voice in my head just muttered “if the circumstances made it ok, I’d be very happy to be pregnant”….. Um. Don’t want to know what I will think when I read this post after forgetting about it. But, my word, that’s a scary thing to think. What makes it freakier is the fact it’s TRUE!

No, don’t worry; I’m not about to go throw myself at someone and to get my belly full. I’m just hypothesising. IF. If, that’s all. IF I had someone now, and it was normal and ok for it to happen now (as in my whole future wouldn’t be messed) then I think I’d be happy about it.

Was watchin family guy today, and in the episode the women were going on about the whole ‘pain of childbirth’ jol. And I thought to myself, hell, it must be incredibly painful. But it’s the kind of pain that I DO want to experience. (I have a feeling I will have a very different take on things when I finally happens). Suppose I see it as a rite of passage, kinda. Something to bitch about, but at the same time, something I wouldn’t trade. Like that other pain, which apparently I won’t feel. Dum as it is, it sucked knowing that. Ug.

I mean, I don’t want just anybody to love, to dote on. To touch tenderly and to have my eyes soften on. But I do want someone. So badly. I know I have so much, asking for more is probably just plain greedy, especially when I have all these things want in conjunction with that specialness. For one thing, I don’t ever want to do the long distance thing again. Ever. A lover should be able to just come round, just randomly hang out. When it’s LD, it’s all so planned, so contrived.

‘’It’s not just the places we go, or the people we see, but how the two meet that determines how we will remember’’ - AM

Anthea May Van Heerden Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (what's wrong with me,) Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (why do i feel like this...im going crazy!! now...) All my life, on my head-don't wanna think bout it- Feels like I'm going insane,yeah.. Its a thief in the night 2cum n grab u,It can creep up inside u n consume u,A disease of th mind it can control u,Its 2close4 comfort...ur minds in disturbia,its like the darkness is lite..

Anthea May Van Heerden

......never trust what you see on the surface. ANYthing can be advertised on the outside, thats easy. its the indistinct yet screaming murmurings of someone's heart that reveals their true self..... its what hurts most - what is shied from most, or.. alluded to most... we do not desire, but NEED love. for only love has the patient insight to see past the projection of ourselves we hide behind.

its the dumest thing in the world. im sitting here, its 2:39. i looked at your page. again.
i was so good.
then YOU got me to dig it all up again. now you are't talking to me.
i tried to sort it out, but you never replied. suppose i landed myself neatly in the "crazy X" category.

not that you seem to care.

you promised that you would.
i promised id send you a letter for your birthday. dont know if i should. will prob look the fool. but then again, i suppose i look like one anway.

the dumbest thing about this kind of behaviour is the fact that even if i could, i know i wouldnt go back there. at least not for now.
how could i?

i wonder if I (ME!) was ever THAT special. probably not. i was just lucky to have been spoiled by you.

Deb told me that M randomly said to her over FB chat or something that he wants to **** her. nothing more than that. just fucking FUCKing.
maybe thats why i dont hear from him. how wants something from a girl like me?
i guess it makes it easier when the "good", "clean" girls act that way. then the biys know where to go.
think anyone tracking my movements in a place like friars ona night like tonight would have been convinced im a total whore.
maybe i am.

a whore that doesnt fuck anyone.

but im still fucked up.

i saw Eminem's Lose Yourself music video today. (was loookin at video's, was listenin to White Lies 'the price of love' today and thought i cold make a kiff music video) anyway, i recognised something i him that i believe i share: a kind of innate aggression towards the world. an aggression (thou perhaps apprears on the surface to be uncalled for, or totally out of proportion - something that no one[including yourself sometime, many times]) that is hard to explain, yet exists.
i think that it was this deep, inborn, feeling - need - to fight the world ane everything in it that got him where it is today.
i cant remember what the point to this was..
oh. im fucked up.

maybe not asd badly as others. most would was what the hell is my prob compared to others.
its my issues are just that. MINE

when i really think about it,
i think what realy gets to me more thn anything is how you can obviously be so happy with her, while a am just a dark, negative cloud to you.
and, naturally, cos im lonely......

i wish i was the one still being smooth talked.

even if its just talk............

Anthea May Van Heerden - Farah Barry

dude dude dude!!!!!if found THE song!!!(ok, if had it for a while, but i was just listenin to it now....)
get White Lies "the price of love".
think black and white, perhaps slightly blurred. quick shots...........
add shots from their actual performancess and we have the origional artists in it.
listen to it, tell me what you see!!

funny how i can be called 'vascinating' yerterday, and gogreous today.

yet,
i am still alone.

and now ive just had this disquieting thought.
was it even all real?
of course.

but ... was it unique?
or will they all be treated as i was?

a mother's words of wisdom:
Be aware of how a man treats his mother. it will give you a good idea of how he will treat you.

those words are so true.
its similar to the whole thing of 'if you want to get a picture of someone's true character, watch how they treat those below them (eg servants) who they have no reason to be civil to'

a mother, ironically, is the person we tend to take for granted the most, and often does not naturally and intrinsically demand the same respect a father might.
if a guy always treats his mother with respect, he will most likely treat all women well, regardless of the circumstances. But if he is dismissive of her wishes and disrespectful in his speech, he is more likely to revert to similar behaviour when you fall into his bad graces.
(of course there are other things to take into account. but think about it. a good something to keep in mind)

LOST

"Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost" - Coldplay

Amazing how many songs can be applicable through projection....

" Life's like a bus stop .

Anthea May Van Heerden is happily singing along to the hypnociticy of snow patrol's chasing cars (while conveniently forgetting about sound tech studies.... )

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

wonder if anyone but me remembers the deeper meaning to this?
Mom prestiked it to the wall next to the telephone. flowers in my hair...

"i would have done anything for this guy....so, i laid my heart out on the table and he gives me Dr Fucking Phil!"....

a quote from a drama exercise we did in acting in the first term.
PJ managed to make it look funny for the exam.
but it wasnt so laughable when i felt the same world applying to my life.
perhaps not the Dr Phil part, but i got the essence of it:

you put yourself out there, risking everything: your integrity, your pride, your heart....
and for what?

to have it thrown back in your - my -face through indifference.

maybe Mom really was right.
these things never work out, do they?

eyes = tired.
me = sleepy
therefore is = lala land time
QED (quite easily done)

is worried.

is procrastination.

is stupid.

aaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anthea May Van Heerden
.... is..... trying... trying... (still) trying.... to convince meself that dear Dominique, in her infinite know-it-all-nes-ness, is right... and ... that... if there is ONE person who... can... get ... away ... with "murder".... and pull thru exams DESPITE .... despite.. despite.. all me no-working-ness-inda-term... its gotta.. be.. ME!.........................................still tryin....................... :-o

Anthea May Van Heerden
.... is..... trying... trying... (still) trying.... to convince meself that dear Dominique, in her infinite know-it-all-nes-ness, is right... and ... that... if there is ONE person who... can... get ... away ... with "murder".... and pull thru exams DESPITE .... despite.. despite.. all me no-working-ness-inda-term... its gotta.. be.. ME!.........................................still tryin....................... :-o

Just as we cannot foresee every coming moment, we cannot remember every one passed....

think facebook statuses,
only i can post as many as i choose without confusing others too much...